This is truly something so VERY close to my heart, ‘Say NO to bullying’ and ‘Give us A Break!’

It’s taken me a long long time to write this down, and I won’t deny it was difficult, but I felt I had to do this. I’ve only EVER shared this with some of my nearest and dearest. This is ME opening up about a small part of my personal experience of bullying.

I cannot abide bullying. Infact I have an automatic aversion to insults, racism and prejudice against religion, LGBT community, disabilities, the list goes on and on.  Anything that focuses in a negative hurtful way on someone is abhorrent to me.  I know we say different not less, yet that could be about anyone as actually we are all different in our own way, who says what is the correct ‘benchmark’? Surely there is no benchmark ?! We are all different, end of!

I’ve wanted to write about this for many years, but it wasn’t that easy for me. Probably because if I was honest I’ve never really gotten over it totally, or at least I reside myself to the fact that ‘it’ will always be there in my mind, poking at my heart every now and then when memories rear their ugly head. I will never forget any of it.

Why was I bullied?  WHY?! Was I different? Of course. EVERYONE is different, but shouldn’t we all be? It would be a boring World if we were all the same, every difference has something different to bring to the table. Isn’t that a good thing surely….

I was bullied for many years throughout the whole of my secondary school life.  Yes. I think back now and I have no idea how I got through it all.  It started with small digs, and jibes from a certain group of girls who saw something in me, a difference if you like to themselves. They absolutely ruined my whole experience of secondary school and affected my confidence. They probably thought it was nothing, a bit of fun to them, but it WASN’T fun at all. It was bullying plain and simple. Consistent put downs, name calling, nastiness, derogatory and mean hurtful comments day in day out.

My friends I had moved with from primary school seemed to also slowly distance themselves from me at times too, or maybe they didn’t it’s just how it felt to me back then. I felt totally alone. I would wake up every school morning feeling so sick to the pit of my stomach, nauseous and absolutely petrified at the thought of going to school. I didn’t want to go, every day became scary and a chore. Everyday I would have the same feelings as soon as it was time to get up, and when it was a Friday boy it was the best feeling, even better were school holidays ! I lived for them as it meant I wouldn’t have to hear or see those bullies anymore, I wouldn’t be subjected to daily comments, jibes, verbal abuse, call it whatever you wish.

They soon came up with a nickname for me, it wasn’t cute, it wasn’t meant to be a bit of fun, it wasn’t endearing or sweet, it was derogatory about me. I can’t even write it down as it takes me back to those days too much. I would walk into the mornings tutorial and they would shout it at me, they would pass me in the corridor and would shout it at me, in a lesson and they would say it slyly (sometimes out loud in lessons depending on which teacher we had). They didn’t care who heard them, who saw them. Nobody spoke up, I felt totally alone. It was like some big black hole swallowing me up and there was nothing I could do about it.

In my previous blog ‘Sticks and Stones’ I talked about how the phrase ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ is NOT true. It so isn’t true at all.

The bullies progressed over those school years from not just words, but to physical things too. It was bad enough being told I was too this or too that, too small too skinny, quiet, shy or get lost go and die, and shouting the nickname they gave me in front of the whole class, I had it all. They became bolder.

Once they stole my new winter coat, and I never got it back. Then there was me having to run all the way home in the freezing cold to tell my parents my coat was stolen by the bullies and I broke down sat on the edge of my bed. ‘All I want is just one friend, just one!’ I cried to my Mum.  I specifically remember saying those words to her.  Mum spoke to the Deputy Head in person with me. He was about as much use as a chocolate teapot when I think back. He told my Mum the school does not encourage bullying and all he could do was to ask in assembly if anyone had seen my coat. Great.

Imagine this; I now had in my head that during the next assembly the Deputy Head was going to announce my coat was missing and did anyone know anything about it ?! Of course nobody would own up .. BUT what was guaranteed from that was that I would be targeted again by the bullies for speaking out. It would cause more stress for me. Mum was fuming with the school. My parents quickly bought me a new coat as the old one was never to be seen again.

I would go into a lesson and when the teacher wasn’t present the bullies would sneak under the desks and remove one of my shoes and throw it across the room or out the window. They would write comments about me on the blackboard, or  surround me when I came out of the toilet cubicle to wash my hands. I became scared to even visit the toilet for fear of someone waiting for me.

They locked me in the school classroom hut, they stole from me, copied my work, and kept telling me how I was worth nothing, ‘Get lost and die!’ they said. There were no mobile phones back then, so instead of horrible texts I would get horrible notes shoved in my bag or locker, odd phone calls for me at home outside of school hours in the evening, and constant stares from people following me around school.

I could go on, there was so much more, it went on for YEARS. I wanted so much to feel comfortable to go to school and to feel  welcome, happy and valued there. I didn’t feel like that. I felt worthless, useless, like nobody liked me, nobody wanted to sit with me. I would worry about everything and anything, the largest AND the smallest things – infact EVERYTHING to me was a LARGE thing affecting every second of my life. I worried about how I would look when getting ready for school, my feet were small so did those new shoes I have look too childish or unfashionable as they weren’t ‘cool’ in the bullies eyes? I worried about who and where I would sit in every single classroom, I worried if I had the right school bag, did I talk funny, would they be waiting for me round every corner? Who would I stand with or where would I go at break time, or in PE.  I hated PE as those girls could be so cruel when we got changed.  Would I EVER be happy?

One day was particularly bad, I decided no more and answered the bullies back. I was surrounded pushed and nudged and shoved and called nasty names. I shouted at them and felt horrible, I ran all the way home as a couple of them chased me but they stopped short of coming straight to my house of course. I told my Mum. Back then you could look peoples home telephone numbers up in the telephone directory – Mum said enough is enough and she called the parents of 4 of the worst bullies. They weren’t that empathetic to be honest, it was hard for them to believe their own child was a bully, yet each parent told my Mum they would speak to their child about it. The next day at school was HORRIBLE. I truly thank my Mum for trying to do something as the school had not cared before, yet in actual fact it just made things worse. It wasn’t her fault. The bullies were the ones at fault, I know that.

The truth is those bullies might look back or read this and think, ‘no way it wasn’t meant to be that bad it was only a bit of fun’ Well it wasn’t fun at all. Not to me. It wasn’t nice. It broke my heart; it’s an actually hurtful physical feeling, it crushed me. If someone tells you to go die, I mean come on.. honestly I can’t begin to put into words how it made me feel.

Even now, if I ever see anyone who I think is the underdog or not included, I make a point of including them. I vowed NEVER to make anyone feel like I did, ever. EVER.

I had dreams and aspirations. Back then, I wanted to be either a nursery nurse or air hostess. My school careers advisor missed that years deadline to put me forward for the nursery nurse course, then the airline I tried to ask about joining told me ‘You are not tall enough we have a minimum height to enrol’. It’s different now of course re height restrictions, but imagine back then being told I wasn’t tall enough to be an air hostess after all those years of being bullied when one of the things I was bullied about was because ‘you’re too short’ ! I was even more so heartbroken.  I resided to the fact that I would leave at the end of secondary school, go to a college where nobody knew me and try start my life again.

The day of enrolling at college I met a lovely lady in the queue to hand in our O level grades results. I never looked back – she became a dear college friend, we became friends with a lovely group and together they made me happier than I’d ever been. They probably don’t know that, but if they’re reading this they will now!

So please don’t get me wrong. I’m not wallowing in self pity. I just wanted to share some of my story, particularly as it’s anti bullying week and after all these years I thought come on Bev you CAN do this and you will!  Our Charity really have made me feel valued and comfortable about coming forward to share some of my story with you. You see, the point is, although there were times I really wanted to give up, I didn’t.  I can only say that I thought about my family and how much I loved them, how much they loved me .. AND as I had seen bits of bullying begin towards my brother, there was NO WAY I was going to let him or anyone else I knew go through what I did if I could help it.

Sadly, I experienced bullying again in a different form in a past previous relationship I had many years ago. Long before I met my husband aka Daddy Cool and we had our Son CH. That story is a blog for another time.

I now worry about our son CH. His conditions mean he has challenges already, and the whole World still doesn’t all yet fully understand autism, so I will be there to educate, and to empower him, giving him the confidence and knowledge to understand he is an EQUAL and has the right to be himself and happy with it. He recently said people keep saying to him ‘why are you so small CH?’ We have already spoken to him about bullying of course….

The affects of bullying can truly be all consuming, and not just for the person being bullied, but their families and loved ones too. Don’t be that person who lowers themselves to be a bully, it’s NOT a nice quality to have, it’s wrong.  It’s NOT a bit of fun, it’s NOT ‘banter’. It can break hearts, break lives, and sometimes forever.

So I say..

be nice

be kind

be thoughtful

be a friend

Don’t make someone cry – Make someone smile. Speak up! Listen and help xx

Schools, the Government, workplaces, so many more could and SHOULD step up to realise bullying is wrong, it needs to STOP now!

As someone who has been bullied, and not just as a Charity Champion, I stand with AnnaKennedyOnline.com and say NO TO BULLYING. #GiveUsABreak!

Be more US instead of singling out differences and excluding people, Be more US! Give Us A Break.

Stay kind. Stay nice. Be more US.

Big love all, love from Bev xxxx